disenchantedenchantress: (evil willow)
Certainly the worst beginning...My Hysterical Jugglings Blog- part 1 and then this, My Hysterical Jugglings Blog-part 2.

To say I am shellshocked would be an amazing understatement. I am wondering what to make of it all. I know we need to move out of here. A murder-suicide literally 8 foot away from us is very hard to get our heads round, and really do I want to get my head round it?

We MUST get out of here. I MUST find my calling, purpose, whatever you wanna call it. I can't take living here, like this anymore. But I don't want to take that step off the parapet and fall to my doom. (The way I am feeling at the moment is that I could get very very depressed, but I am conciously moving myself away from that ledge.)

I keep asking the Universe what it is trying to tell me, and I am trying to move towards what I think that is, but I am now wondering if I am just getting it very wrong. I am feeling very lost in the wilderness, and I just don't know what to do.

disenchantedenchantress: (sexy piggy)
As I have previously mentioned, I have a real issue with Letting Go, be it arguments, slights, horrible behaviour, habits, friendships, whatever. It is definitely a work in progress to get over that part of me.

Another issue that I have is that I can't bear feeling trapped by circumstance or by people. Which when you are living a fairly normal life (marriage, 2.4 kids etc) is a problem since you are intrinsically trapped in a domestic web of your own making.

I also find I am a confusing mix of wanting/needing validation in certain areas of my life, when not giving a flying fuck about other's opinions in the rest of it.

I am very aware that this is part hormonal, part lunar, and part time of the year, (I need some SUNSHINE dammit!), but I feel very stifled at the moment, socially, financially, in every area of my life. And I know from past experience this is Not A Good Thing.

I need to reconcile some parts of me with the life that I have chosen to lead.  I hope it doesn't hurt as much as it could do.
disenchantedenchantress: (Default)
I have a real problem with Letting Go. I will remember slights, arguments, negative comments, all that crap that in the long run, and serious emotional baggage. I would rather not. I remember things I have done wrong and what others have done wrong to me, and often unbidden they come into my head and I dwell for too long on them.

I know on an intellectual level that I need to stop it, and really Let Go of it all, and I know how to do it in theory. However on an emotional and practical level I have a really hard time doing it, and usually it doesn't work.

I am conscious that there is a box of all that pent up irritation, and while I try really hard to sit on it, and keep it in there, bits and pieces come sliding out. I know that I probably need to pull it all out, and examine it for what it really is and deal with it properly, but I haven't yet.

I need to work out why I keep hold of it all, rather than sending it all away for good.  I really need to Let Go.


disenchantedenchantress: (Default)

June 2012

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